My insecurities, our insecurities

Adolescent mind speaking, do our insecurities ever go away? And if they do, will they always be in the back of our minds? How do we get our insecurities to go away? When I was 10 years old, and started my menstrual cycle. My life changed from there in the way that I guess some insecurity started to grow, As well as myself. in all different ways. I started to notice things I never even thought of, literally the day before. I know that I really annoyed my friends and family, when I kept asking them to “check,” which meant to see if I bleed through my pants. I become overly obsessive with appearance, how I looked, and if there was anything on my face. I guess I just didn’t want to have an embarrassing moment. No matter how hard I tried, the moments came. It’s just so incredibly awkward to grow up with so many different people. Some you know, and some you don’t, Going through body changes, style changes, and friend changes. I still look back, and it makes me feel agitated to think about that stage. So those insecurities are still in the back of my mind, but I have overcome them, embraced them, and turned them into lessons to live from. In the end, Insecurities do go away; they can still be in the back of your mind, when you have a moment that triggers them. To get them to go away, for me it was just growing, learning, and embracing, instead of changing who I am.

Beautiful

Adolescent mind speaking, Beautiful is a word that has not one right meaning to it. Beautiful is a word that I have heard a lot in my life, Even though so many people have said that im beautiful throughout my years, im still taking my time getting use to the terms. A lot of people think that being called “beautiful,” is up lifting and can bring a smile to your face. For me it was more of a way to distance myself. It wasn’t that I thought I wasn’t beautiful, we are all in our own ways. I thought that it was uncomfortable, and meant that they were looking at me. It’s a weird feeling when you walk into a store, a business, to the main street, or even the comfort of your own home, knowing that they were looking at you, to come up with that word. Thinking that in their minds they were judging your face, your body, your composure, to get to their satisfaction of their meaning of beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, when any person is called beautiful it can make those butterflies fly, with that turning feeling in your stomach. But have we really thought about what it means? We have grown up knowing what words are good, and what words are bad, Right? How do we decide that a certain word is bad or good? Do we really not see under the shell of a meaning to a word? When you tell someone their beautiful aren’t you just really scanning them to make sure their worthy of this word? Does that make you selfish, or real? Would you tell someone that you thought wasn’t beautiful, that they were? Who decides what beauty is and what is not? I know now that I certainly don’t decide what is, and what isn’t. From my experiences, it just is.

Trust

 

Adolescent mind speaking, Growing up was both awkward, and scary. Moving from Santa Cruz California where I was born and raised until the age 10, to a small town in Washington state. Having my best friends there in (CA), the people I could really trust, and were there since the day I was born practically. Getting that taken away was hard and painful. I didn’t fully understand it at the time but later I got it. It took a while, but I understood why we had to move. I didn’t keep in good touch with the people I really grew up with. I guess I was nervous, or scared to see how they grew up, and if we would still have anything in common. Trusting those people were easy to me, because I didn’t know what trust really was at that age. I was 10, and the same around everyone. Now being 18 and won’t really upon up to anyone anymore, unless I fully trust them. When you’re going through school you find out that you need to pick and choose who you can trust, and when you’re a 14 year old girl with a big mouth, you can be hard to trust too. I now look back and think to myself, that something or someone really had to break my trust to not let me really talk to anyone, about myself. By not really talk, I mean other than the usual that I do when having a conversation, is to laugh and smile. I think it could be my ways of making something feel less awkward or less serious to me. Trust, I don’t even really know what the definition of that word means. I don’t think I want to find out either. Trust has hurt me in the past, when I’ve trusted someone too much. I know that I have also hurt people in my past, with them putting all their trust into me. It happens to everyone. So why at 18 can I still not fully understand this concept and meaning of this word? I think that if I let you trust again, you’ll forget what happened in the first place to lose that trust. The word “Trust,” has probably been said from my mouth more than I count.  So why do I say this word much when Im so afraid of the entire concept?  Probably because when growing up we have to have this concept in every relationship we come across. It’s scary for a lot of us, but at the end of the day I think you have to realize it’s just a word. And the meaning can’t control your life. So with that being said we should all let go and start trusting again.

Suspense

Adolescent mind speaking, once upon a time there lived a girl who was young and free of all evil. Not too many years went by before a roar of thunder came crashing down on her world. It was an experience that she hadn’t yet felt. For years had she wondered why she felt this way? No explanation to be found. No one willing to listen, because of the antics this girl has put on others. Why would they listen? Why now? She had a name known around peers “Hypochondriac.” (A person who worries or talks obsessively about their health.) She was sure of it this time though. She felt confused and dizzy when in crowded places, Like she was in a dream, or not really there. Her heart beating like there was no more time on earth. Sweating with every emotion she felt within. She needed to be with the ones who knew her the most; they made her feel free of this matter. What was it that this girl had? I was diagnosed with anxiety in the year 2004. Knowing that im not alone, made this roar of thunder turn into rays of sunshine. Taking it day by day, one moment at a time. She will take control of her own diagnosis, Someday.

Pro Blogger? BullShit

 I have only just posted my very first blog, and already im in love with it. When I was researching information about blogging and getting my own domain name. I came across a link that read “Pro Blogger.” That to me is bullshit, how can you be a pro blogger? Is there a school you go to, and then when you finish you get some sort of certificate that says “Pro Blogger” on it? To blog, to me, is to write what you feel and just let it out, not thinking about being judged. I feel like it’s almost an escape to get away from what can possibly be going on in your life. I don’t think you need to be a pro, to blog. I especially, know how it is to not be a pro at anything, other than being me.

The adolescent is speaking

In the mind of the adolescent speaking.  My very first blog! Here I am going through a really hard stage in my life. Im super confused about what’s going on, and where im going for the future. But one thing that I do know is that Im an adolescent. At 18 years, Graduated at 16, going from part time job to another, not really knowing what my purpose is, or why im here. I feel that im not extra good at anything.  Never been extraordinary at anything, cant name a sport that I could play, not very creative, just don’t have a niche for anything I guess. Or at least I haven’t found it yet.  That’s why im here, Im growing up and trying to find my way, but every day it just seems the same, nobody changes, everything is the same as it was yesterday. I feel stuck. And why? I have no idea im 18; I should have what I want to be in my mind already and working towards that goal. But no… I thought I had it all figured out. When I was younger everything seemed so much easier like everything just came to me, I didn’t really have to work hard to get anything, I just got it. I guess that’s because my family has spoiled me to the point where I just sorta expected everything to come my way. And that was just the way the world worked. WOW. Did that bite me in the ass. Here I am literally can’t breathe because I have such anxiety writing this in words. I never wanted to be like this. I never wanted to let people know I have faults; I like to pretend everything’s okay to the world and the people around me. Put a smile on and laugh, because then they won’t ask questions. Questions im not sure im ready to answer. Who am I? What am I doing in life? What are my goals? ECT. I don’t know. Maybe its society that has put this pressure on us adolescent. Forming us into everything they want us to be. Why is it that you have to go to college to be considered smart, or a goal oriented person? What if college isn’t my thing, some people would probably just say try it out and go, stop talking about it and do it. I know that’s what my mom would say. She’s said that since I began this whole anxiety persona. But it’s not that easy for me, and im sure im not the only one.  Why is it so hard to feel UN stuck? I guess that can fall in one of my many phobia categories. Im afraid of change. I don’t like to not have control of a situation, it gives me the worst anxiety that I so far have had in my whole 18 years of life. To me change is letting go of situations. Because I’ve began to realize that the world and life can’t be controlled, they’re going to take its own course just like we as individuals want to. That thought just makes me quiver. What if whoever it is taking control of a situation doesn’t do it right? What if I could do it better? Can I trust them?  I guess I will let go when I feel I can handle it. When I was 8 I was an only child, I thought that was it, my parents were so young when they had me that I was what you can call unexpected. I just figured they were happy with me and they didn’t need to bring anyone else in this world, into our family. I was wrong. The following year came my twin brothers. I love them very much. I want to say that out first. My life changed since that very day they were born. In many ways, I ultimately became an older sister, I was the unofficial babysitter, and I guess you can say second mom. When we were taking care of them, my mom had one and I had the other.  I think when your 8 years old and you want all of the attention from your parent s, and you don’t get it, it can hurt at first. How dare these cute little babies come in and take my place. I thought I was the princess. But not anymore, they were. I thought I was going to have that crown forever. Anyways all through middle and high school I think everyone knew that my dad was strict. I liked to always say that “I can’t even go to the mailbox without a walkie talkie.” It was embarrassing for me to have such strict rules to abide by. I didn’t know anyone else who had these rules. My dad would say “It’s because I love you.” even though I would never see it like that.  I would rebel. Try any way possible to break any rule I could because I wanted freedom I wanted what everyone else had, no rules. Just have fun growing up. I got caught a lot, but I also didn’t get caught a lot. You get to the point in your age and mind that you want to try stuff, you’re curious. You think you know it all then. I still think I know it all. I think I get that from my dad. He thinks he knows it all. He probably knows a lot. But not all, I myself hate when I meet know it alls. But here I am one of them. Maybe I can change that too, or work on it. Im 18 and already I think too much about everything, all the bad that can happen out of every situation first. That everything’s over before it even started. In my mind if I decide something, you’re going to have to be a hell of a negotiator to tell me different. Sounds like I have lots of issues I have to work on, doesn’t it? The sad thing is I haven’t even really began this is just the beginning. Already I feel some anxiety leaving. Shaking as I write these last words because of what they meant to me. I am the adolescent who is going to speak what it’s all about.

In the mind of the adolescent is out.